I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
vagina is talking i cant
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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