i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Randomize
