The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Randomize
