i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
