I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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