I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
These tits shall not be calmed
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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