I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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