You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
