dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
