Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
