dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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