No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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