My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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