i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
