My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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