I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
