where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
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