thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
