I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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