i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
