Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
