I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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