if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
