Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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