You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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