New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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