also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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