I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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