They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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