i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just blew my weed a kiss
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
