If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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