I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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