My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
