Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
