it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
