My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
