The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
