we have officially lost it.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
