i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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