I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
