No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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