Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
