Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
