i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
