I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
