Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
