If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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