Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Randomize
