My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
