I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
