True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
