During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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