You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
