My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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