He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
