I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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