Banned from zoo.
Again?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
pray to the hookup gods
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
