I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
